The Gangsta Version of American History

Satire follows-

What do you know about that OG Uncle Sam, yours truly? Let me keep it real for once, about this here American Experiment. Don't be like Clinton: inhale. Europeans show up, 'Nice place guys, I think we will stay'. Pulled a Columbus. 'You Indians look cold with your skimpy clothes, have some blankets. Shit, our bad, we forgot to check them for small-pox. Now this shit is depopulated and we can't fuck enough to make it right. Damn Micks are enjoying potatoes and expect freedom at some point. Guess we will need some free labor. Because who wants to pay motherfuckers for building a country anyway? Alright brothers, we dragged you across the ocean and you are now 3/5ths. We will eventually free you but we have a nice serving of Jim Crow waiting for you down the line. What, it doesn't taste good? It's better than 3 squares of slavery. This White Man's burden is a bitch. Fine, no more segregation. What do you mean we are oppressing you legally? Prisons are like summer camps I promise.

Ah, where was I? Damn Mexico, you looking good. What do you mean 'no'? You don't say 'no' to big daddy OG Uncle Sam, don't make daddy go Manifest Destiny on you. Alright Jews, we will be on the level about you killing our boy Jesus and make you full citizens if you help us make this hustle look legit. JC had that beef with the Pharisees who were tripping off the law and shit. He said fuck the laws, but came to to overthrow, but to fulfill and shit. No Mexicans, we done jacked you and punked you out, you can't come back over and work. What do you think this is, a meritocracy?

16th Amendment. Yea, just give us your shit and there won't be any trouble. Look man, I ain't gonna stand here and wait till Armageddon and the unleashing of the Beast Romney and shit talking about ratification and all that. You best decide Joe Public, because Uncle Sam doesn't like waiting. Wait, Federal Reserve. I've got to think on this. Feddy, you saying we can just invent the money and our boys in Congress can hit this like a credit account? Deep game. Oh Jackson killed the bank and you are going to put that genocidal Just Another Crazy White Man on the money? I like your style Feddy.

Britannia, you were like an older sister to me. But you can't try to check me like you did. But Uncle Sam grew up to be a bad motherfucker. We your bad motherfucker now. You got them Germs crying because they running out of sauerkraut. Germany, sign this Versailles shit. France you pussy motherfucker, why you starting shit you can't finish? Stay down Germany, stay the fuck down. You done boy. Sign this shit or we will fuck your shit up. League of Nations? Whatcha talking about Wilson?

Capone: You can't compete with this kind of Gangster. You thought you was hard didn't you Al? La Costa Nostra: we don't appreciate competition man. You can do your thing- but don't you ever forget who the baddest motherfucker is. Adolf you need some cheddar? My boys down on Wall Street got all of it. They just print that like its going out of style. Out of thin air. Ford you want to set up shop over there? My F-Dog, never missing a profit.

Goddamn its getting heavy out there. Look at Russia and Germany. Yea Japan, see we hear you and your boyz be having a turf war. Best back off China. We go way back. Look man I don't give a fuck about no national dignity Japan, best back the fuck off. How you gonna try and tell me that aint my turf? Shits been tight and I've been sipping after that Prohibition shit. You know how I get when I drink. Just ask Spain. You know maybe we went overboard and shit but you just can't talk to me like that when I drink. Alright, we done being diplomatic. You aint getting nothing from us. Do something about it. Pearl Harbor! How the fuck could you! Blowing up all our ships. You dirty rat motherfucker! What does Uncle Sam look like? I said What does he look like? Well Japan, does he look like a bitch? Bet your horoscope didn't see those mushroom clouds coming. Guess Japan finally listened to Shao Khan when he shouted 'you will never win'. Then why you got to treat him like a bitch? You shoulda seen that European Theater: I came in with that DDAY Shit. Fuck all that Eastern Front shit. We took that Nazi lederhosen wearing empire all on our own! Murica! We got murk in our name and you wonder why we always murkin.
Morganthau, that is one cold-blooded plan. But this German Race seems to be a problem. Goes all the way back to Martin Luther and his 95 Theses, with that 96th being about killing all the Jews. Apparently his drunk ass didn't find the right whore whose pussy he could fall into and be spit back out as the miscarriage of humanity that he in fact was. I don't judge but game recognizes game

 Russia what the fuck? Russ, This is our fucking corner man. FTM man: read the fucking memo. Read that memo? You didn't get the memo about Dresden? N-A-T-O baby we roll deep. REPRESENT the Representative democracy. Oh you want to gear up, Russ? WE GOT THOSE ICBMS baby. Aint nowhere my bald eagle can't shit on. Oh you know we don't play Russia. Nagasaki thought we played. They said hello to our little....boy.

That's right Korea. We done murked every fool who steps to us. JFK are you high talking all that peace shit? Lyndon, you got to take care of this fool or it's on you. Say hello to our Texas Syndicate Boys for me. Vietnam. Bring it you fuckers. Alright man, we cool, we cool. Running out of breath and shit, damn Vietnam you can throw some hands. I should call you UFC-Nam. See that American public, we fucked that boy up! Oh you say he fucked me up? You should see his ass. 3 million dead! Murica. We got murk in our motherfucking name.

Feminism? Who is going to make our sandwiches now?

Nicaragua was like, 'there are no MIGs why you doing this to me. Please God.' I was like, 'Niki, you know we saw those MIGS. How could you lie to us? You trying to bullshit Uncle Sam.' I gave her ass 20 minuets, to see if god came to help. Guess the Big Man was busy, or relapsing. You know He awoke on the 7^th day and saw what he had created, and swore to never take bars again? Who knows, maybe he had a case of the shakes when Niki was calling.

Monroe Doctrine! Russ, we told your ass to keep the fuck out. Iran, you can't leave me! Think of all the good times we had together. Think of SAVAK. Fine then bitch, Allah will never love you like I did!

Columbia got some good shit. Yea, we keep that shit coming. Drugs are bad for you America. Oh yea, you caught Cee Eye Aye shipping it in to get paper. Rule of law? I am the law! Got that white pony all spread out on some Grade-A DC hoes, those Congressmen love it. They go ham on those ladies man, hitting it like the cervix is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Our boy Manny got a little greedy down in P-Ma. You know what happens when you get greedy. Russia why you wanna quit now? What you mean you broke and sick? Ain't so hard now you Ruskie motherfuckers. Thanks man, thanks for taking that wall down. Now I'm gonna show you the ropes. Shock Therapy is the only way. I'll show you how we play the fucking game. I'm that OG. 'We won't expand NATO further' oh man Europe, Russ bought that shit, can you believe it? Make sure Yeltsin got something to sip on. That boy crazy.

Saddam, we gotta talk business. Nothing personal. You gotta get outta Kuwait. Oh you say that we said it was cool? Who will believe me over you? Shoulda known who you were fucking with and got that shit on tape. We turned out Saudi Arabia a long time ago. We been drilling that like a Vivid production for a long time, on the down low. We made you Saddam. See that international community? Fourth largest army and we got that motherfucker. One-hit wonder. What do you mean he wasn't shit International Community? Rwanda, we could help you with that war. But what you got in trade? Hold up Rwanda, we got Bosnia on the other line and they are whiter than you, we will get back to you.

Teddy Kazinsky, why you gotta be blowing people up? Teddy-K you ain't helping with the crazy-white man stereotype. You still owe Cee Eye Aye for that acid he loaned you in college.

Billy Clinton. I feel bad for the man after Monica: Once you go Kosher, Goy never tastes the same again. Hillary married to the only man on the planet who has a Facebook check-in for his meat-stick and a Guest-book for when the server goes down.

Baby Boomers about to retire and shit. We gonna have to give them a little something. Say don't we have an iceberg for these fuckers? Can we send their old ass out to sea or some shit and hope they hit some ocean liner called the Rest Home? What, no icebergs? Global Warming? What the fuck are you talking about Science, it was cold as balls across half the country last year.

Shit, if it gets hotter we can finally see Canada in a bikini. Nah, she aint that type of girl. All moral and shit, talking about universal healthcare and all that. But we been deep in her for awhile. She was a good girl until the lights went off. Left those tar-sand oil stains all over her bed. Talking about China acting all thirsty, she never knows if he is in yet.

That's right Britannia. Deeper baby. Take it all in. You gonna swallow it when I pop. I ain't asking. You taught me everything Britannia. You deserve to take it easy: we got this Empire shit. King George wished he had our power.

Hold up: Arabia, did you just try to fight back? Oh we'll make you sorry. Just ask those orientals in Hiroshima. Oh yea, that's right. Why you gotta make us do this to you?

Afghanistan you so fine we won't pull out. Patriot Act baby. Don't like it, then you don't really love me like you said. Republic? Yea, its all about my REP. Millennials, we done told you to get the fuck up out of the house and get a fucking job. What do you mean no jobs? I stole a whole fucking continent in my day. College? Yea we got you. Good work Millennials, doing the right thing, busting ass for years. You got it, you graduated. Now, how about that Twenty Gs I loaned you now Millennials? You best pay up. Oh you didn't read the fine print? Can you fucking read? Shit, I almost forgot, most teachers get into graduate school on a C average with liberal arts degrees. Still, you best pay me or I'm taking some shit in trade. I don't give a fuck if your mom has cancer. Do I look like fucking UNICEF? Finland has free college you say? Hey Finland why you gotta make me look stupid like the Red Army in the Winter War? Healthcare? Haven't you heard the Dead Kennedys song 'Kill the Poor'? I wasn't much for punk, but I always said it should be the national anthem. Eddie Bernays said it would be bad for Public Relations though.

The People were like, 'middle class' and I went back to Mount Rushmore and just busted a fucking gut, 'GOT EM'. That's right Big Green Machine, die for the family. We always take care of our own, that's what the VA is for. What you doing coming home all crippled with your Stephen Hawking looking-ass. We don't want to see your ugly ass hanging around. You had to shoot some kids? Why the fuck you crying like a bitch?

Arabia, you got to chill. Did you just try and fuck with homey Israel? Israel a crazy-motherfucker man, you don't want to do that. Say Izzy, you need some heaters for this shit? Izzy on that Meyer Lansky shit. But that's why we cool Izzy. Izzy, Izzy, chill. Arabia do you want us to stop holding Izzy back? You keep making demands like that and we gonna step aside. You know where Izzy comes from? A straight soldier if there ever was one: Saul. King David, that Don Corleone who was so hard he promised safety to his enemies and took out they whole family. Palestine, we support your human rights and all or some shit. But your boy Grand Mufti was all about that German sausage. You see that picture of him shaking hands with Hitler? Shaking Adolf's Rebecca Right when you know that nasty motherfucker didn't wash after firing off some of his knuckle children.

Saddam, hey man. You live near Osama's people. What do you mean you don't run with him? You look like you could be brothers. UN, we need you to look away while we do this. You don't want to see what we are going to do to this camel-fucker. International Decency? Decency Deez Nutz. Saddam you and your boys best come up out of your house. Catch a square with Sammy! Why you scared? Lion of Babylon, more like the lion of bahababah. Shock and awe, you though we were fronting? We know you cooking shit in there! We gave you the fucking ingredients!

See Iraq, we took care of the bad man for you. He was terrible. But Uncle Sam is a real man. You need my shoulder to cry on? Yea, we got a little rough with the place. Fucked this place up. Sure, we will fix it for you. We know some people, but it won't be cheap. Quality is never cheap. You keep crying and getting bitchy. You know what would make you feel batter Raq? I know it was good for you. This place is a dump. Feed those fucking kids. Sanctions for 15 years? Why you getting all heated? Call the international community! Do it! None of those motherfuckers will do shit. No one loves you Raq. Damn, girl, you got to get checked. Looking like sour cream or a yogurt factory down there. You so fucking dirty if you swim in the gulf BP would get blamed for the damage. You got ninja turtles hiding down there? What do you mean I gave it to you? I gotta get out of here.

Ahmadinejad? Who let your monkey ass out of the cage? Somebody put his ass back in the zoo, maybe with the GW Bush Ape if we need to.

Media, why you gotta call me a liar about why we had to get rid of Saddam? Look, he wasn't cooking. But off the record, I can tell you why we did it. My boy Cheney is actually a demon from the 9^th circle. If his body dies his soul will return to hell. He sustains himself off children, and the Raq's happen to be the most succulent. They left something out of the Book of Revelations. When he gets home he is going to clique up with Dick Nixon. You think Satan is the prince of darkness, wait till the Dick Squared ticket runs things. Nobody wants to see that. Hurts my feelings when you call me a liar. What do you mean Gulf of Tonkin? It was a misunderstanding. My bad, but you gotta get over the sixty thousand dead already.

Oh you think I'm paranoid Lady Liberty? We know you been 'hoeing it up' with Islam. Of course we can read your emails. Who the fuck is texting you? Constitution? My boys wrote that shit, you think they believed all that shit? The Founding Fathers of the WASP Set were a special sort. Quoting Cicero like he wasn't a slum lord in the Roman Senate. Talking about Brutus. More like Brattus, shanking one of the greatest generals in history because some people need the freedom to enslave others. They seemed pretty good about it so I never thought of pulling them aside and telling them how the story of the Roman Republic ended.

Drive by on that Libya motherfucker! Qaddafi had to be hit. It's all about the game.

Say FSA, we gotta get that Frodo Baggins-looking Assad outta there. FSA, you off the chain cutting off heads and shit. Mad respect. Putin, you elf looking motherfucker! Sorry Vlad, I got a little heated. My bad. Say Europe I made that Ivan motherfucker my bitch! Nah, nah Putin, we cool man. No I ain't talking shit. You know Europe always crying about shit like the bitch she is. Say, if you go back into Europe, double wrap that shit because she got some of those commie crabs. Tarantulas up in there. Putin you just can't be all standing up for your country and shit. New World Order. The game always changes. You gotta change with the game. Why you trying to play Captain Save a Hoe with Syria? Syria I'm about to go to the nearest booth and change into my Captain Slap A Hoe costume. Nah, I was just playing Syria.

Ukraine, big daddy will take care of you. We can work together. Damn We the People, shut the fuck up about some motherfucking freedom. Man we got cheeseburgers and football. What kind of faggoty shit you talking about the Bill of Rights? Whatcha talking about China that we owe you some money? Don't get loud with me. You getting loud? I don't give a fuck about no trillions of dollars. Maybe your stupid ass shouldn't have given that shit to me? Shit motherfucker do I look like I pay you back if you can't collect? I broke into the house I live in, I didn't buy this shit. I jacked my Caddy too. Work smart not hard. We will be on the level as long as you keep that cheap shit coming. Japan, you was a man back in your day. Be a man again.

None of you got the balls to dump the dollar! This world is mine. That dollar is your god!

Gay Marriage? Hell no. Then bitches could marry bitches. You could lose your bitch to other bitches. Gay dads turn kids gay. Man, fuck you Science ain't nobody care about all that facts bullshit. Evidence suggest homos are born with a particular sexual orientation in studies? Who the hell reads anymore when you have America's Got Talent to watch. Man, don't you know the orphanage builds character? Anything is better than having a bunch of queers running around raising other queers. Ferguson, why you gotta try and flip the script? We gave you everything. So what we were hard on you? You ought to thank us. See that shit up in Africa? AIDS like a motherfucker. Get your shit together like paleface. So what the White Man smokes meth and commits most crimes? Did you see how black you were driving when that our boys in SS uniforms pulled you over and worked you over?

Asians, who the fuck are you to tell Whitey about making bank and having strong families? BNBG White America. Democracy? Demos, dems my bitches. Police State? John Q Public, we are doing you a favor. You would like prison. You will never have to worry about a proctology exam again. It will be performed by amateurs using their manhood.

Depressed? Our boy Shrink has stuff that would make Seal know he could fly. Cluster A, Cluster B or Cluster C. Can we talk away this crazy? This crazy is so crazy no one wants to be around it, so someone has to be paid to listen to it. Or do we have to medicate this crazy? Or do we need to contain this crazy and throw away the key? Can't concentrate? Oh Shrink has stuff better than what they cook in the 'Meth-West', know what I'm saying.

Another mass shooting? You people have the ability to refuse service to customers and you are still selling guns and ammo to white people? Ha.

Equality? But if we were equal you couldn't get rich could you? You want that fantasy don't you? OG Uncle Sam makes dreams come true. Free-trade baby. But ain't nothin free in this world. I got too much bling huh? The Golden Rule- he who has all the gold makes the rules. I got all the gold. Oh you want to see what we have in Ft. Knox? We pawned that shit with the Red Dragon store on the corner. I'll get it back I swear, we just gotta hit a mad lick on some third world fuckers first. Pimping ain't easy. Keep it sleazy brothers and sisters. Don't forget your sleep meds, because we all miss the American Dream. Don't worry about FEMA camps man. You smoking too much of that Colorado dank. Just heads up though- if you ever see a Golden Corral that no one walks out of, well, wink wink, nod nod. Inflation? You fat fucks should thank my Elites for high food prices. Whole country looking like some Jabba the Hut extras for the new Star Wars movie and shit. Only in America! God Bless America! 2015. How could you say I'm racist, when we got a brother as the public face? Christie is running? Shit I'd vote for his ass if he actually ran for it, know what I mean. He needs some cardio. Hey at least we won't have another Weiner scandal with him, he hasn't seen his own junk in years, let alone taken pictures of it. Bachmann? IRS Lawyer at the head of a lower taxes movement? Man, but she got some moves, you remember in 2012 when she was Deep-throating that innocent meat dish with Perry? He is on the down-low, you know? Pelosi, looking like some Monsanto trans-species experiment gone wrong between a Dotson and a female.

You think voting would be so easy if it worked? I play to win. I never lose. Stop talking big about rising up. Drones and Google baby. I got this locked down. I hate to break it to you, but no Austrian bodybuilders are coming back in time to stop the real OG. You want to change the parameters of the American Experiment do you? You think it's failed in it's mission? Not everyone can be street-smart. Ha. I sent boys to the moon, and you think that it's failing, rather than succeeding at what it was really about in the first place? Goddamn you stupid. Oh I took the Lord's name in vain. Motherfucker I roll with the Dark Father, you seen that Skull and Bones shit? My favorite part of the Bible: and Jesus saith onto his disciples coming out of the cities....woe onto Capernaum for it hath not the food to satisfy our munchies! It will be better for the Tyrians on the Day of Judgment for they have the better weed!' Nancy Grace doesn't favor legalizing right? Well, that bitch should. You know how I high I would have to be to part that red sea of Ms. Graceless and let my people go? Drier than the Atacama down there.

US: Greatest country in the world. You think its bad here, have you seen North Korea? Of course the food is safe. Don't buy that hippie horseshit about cancer in the food and environment. Has Daddy ever lied to you? Man it's getting cold. Hear about that pro-marijuana bill in the Texas House? This must be the sub-arctic weather conditions spilling from Hades. Why you so worried about your kids when you running around getting lit and fucking like you need another one that you can't take of?

Aliens? I don't know nothing about that, but I can tell you what I hear. See they are just some Chimos and Chesters that no one else wants out there. So they come here as a prison sentence sticking shit up a fat man's ass having him squeal like some interstellar version of Deliverance. You know why we cut back on SETI? I can see them putting aside centuries of peaceable actions and just deciding that whatever species produced Honey Boo Boo broadcasts must not be allowed to coexist with them in the same state of matter.

I love seeing those social security taxes go up. Most of you won't even make it to collect at this rate. Congress buys more blow off your taxes than a nation of John Belushi's could consume. Ever better than jacking a whole country is jacking a country and having them think that it's virtue to give me their money.

International Law! Charge me international Criminal Court! I'm the original Teflon Don! I'll be off like OJ in no time.

These politicians calling immigrants parasites when they live off tax dollars and contribute nothing. That's rich, I tell you what. Why you worried about the barbarians coming to the gates when barbarians built the gates? We are the barbarians of the world my children.

Why you reading this, don't you have a place to be, like a job? I'm sure the Clip Haired Cunt in HR is going to be understand. But word is that its been a few years since she, you know, felt like a woman. So I wouldn't bet on it. You got that rent to pay right? Think your landlord will take a pint of blood in trade?

Probably not, but you can always donate some plasma if you come up short at the end of the month. You own your home? You mean you pay the bank rent. Oh you own it outright and you think you bad. Well, you still gotta pay the county right? I better let you guys be on with your business. Next time you see the sunrise, remember- all those wars and those deaths were so you could see a golden arch McDonald's Arch rise above your otherwise beautiful skyline. The best part about all this was when I said 'free country' and you motherfuckers gave everything for it like it wasn't an oxymoron.